9 April 2007 Ethnic Conflicts in Sweden

Top lista nadrealista are to former Yugoslavia what Monty Python is to the entire planet (and former Yugoslavia, if there is any logic flow). I dug out this piece of theirs… a mock news report that was recorded back in 1989. Their report takes place on 14th September 2007. In the light of the ongoing Kosovo dispute, I translated the sketch and put in some footnotes…

Good evening, dear viewers. Today is 14th September 2007. You are watching the television news of the Channel 1, Channel 2, Channel 3, Channel 4, Channel 5 (looks up), cable stations, as well as the United Channels of the Yugoslavian Cantonal Television Centers¹ (spins around).

NEWS

The President of the Federal Executive Council, Goran BregoviÄ‡ (BregoviÄ‡‘s picture pops up) gave an audience to the American Secretary of State, Bruce Springsteen (Springsteen’s picture pops up) and initiated a rather useful dialog with him.

Per the Secretary of State’s request, BregoviÄ‡ allowed a $14 billion loan, or around 700.000 Newest Dinars², to the American company General Motors, considering that, as Comrade BregoviÄ‡ mentioned, Yugoslavians own 70% of GM’s shares.

(KarajliÄ‡ hits the globe)

The Japanese Government has once again appealed to the International Committee for Distribution of Work to reduce the export of Electronic Industry of NiÅ¡ television sets³, to the Japanese and American markets. Kamashito pointed out that the expansion of EI’s exports resulted in the fifth bankruptcy of Japanese companies in the last year.

(KarajliÄ‡ hits the globe)

NEWS FROM OUR LAND

(Äuro walks in)

Äuro: Stop, stop, stop…

KarajliÄ‡: What is it?

Äuro: We have breaking news, it’s important, about Sweden. Bye, bye⁴!

KarajliÄ‡: SWEDEN

In the Swedish province of NÃ¶rnskorf, new ethnic conflicts, which have been going on for the last six months, broke out. These conflicts are the biggest problem of the instable Swedish Government, in a country that is going through major economic problems. Riots broke out, in which the Eskimos…

(Äuro walks in)

Äuro: That’s too long! The globe needs to get in on time! Bye! Let’s do it this way: In a Swedish province… And then go to the riots right away. The riots. Bye, bye!

KarajliÄ‡: Riots broke out, in which the Eskimos, who constitute the majority of the population in this province, want to secede from Sweden and join the Arctic. In the last night’s riots, 25 people and 18 penguins died.

(Äuro walks in)

Äuro: That’s too long! It’s no good! Hold it now, and get the globe here in time! (He breaks the globe) We will just do it with the Northern Hemisphere now. Just read: riots in Sweden – and bye!

KarajliÄ‡: NEWS FROM THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE

In a Swedish province, riots broke out, with Eskimos who want independence from Sweden and joining with Arctic. 25 people and 18 penguins died…

(Äuro walks in)

Äuro: It’s no good! Didn’t I tell you already? Just read: riots in Sweden! Bye! Riots, bye! Problems in Sweden, bye!

KarajliÄ‡: Problems in Sweden, bye.

NEWS FROM OUR LAND

(Å ibi comes out of the ground)

Å ibi: Nothing new in our land⁵.

(Halid MuslimoviÄ‡ goes into singing an Orwellian song for the eager masses… “I swear to the people and to God, I can’t live without you.”)

¹ Sarajevo only had one television station at the time.

² Yugoslavian Dinar had a tendency to drop its value quickly. It was not unheard of to issue a new set of currency where zeroes got cut off (so, what was 750 dinars was now 7 dinars and 50 paras). This new currency would always be called “New Dinar”.

³ Electronic Industry of NiÅ¡ made, among other things, home electric appliances. A slightly modified joke via Blogoslovenia – What is large, black, makes a lot of noise and cuts carrots into 5 pieces? An EI NiÅ¡ carrot cutter.

⁴ Äuro keeps repeating: “Zdraaavooo”, meaning “bye”. This only for comedic effect. Illetirate news editors were bound to be annoying.

⁵ This is a pun. In Serbo-Croatian, soil and country are homonyms â€” zemlja.